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Tattoo Thoughts

With 2 more tattoos under my belt people have started asking why I keep getting them and if they have meaning. Of course they have meaning. Why would anyone put something so permanent on their body that wasn’t meaningful?  I know there are people that do that (I saw it happen in the tattoo shop when I was there) but why. So I decided it was time to tell the world what they all mean. #1 - In 2009 was when I met my now husband. We were never trying for a baby, but never preventing it either and had decided mutually that if it happened it was meant to be. In August of 2009 my son Grant and I flew to Wyoming for a week to see a cousin and her partner that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I found out I was pregnant the day before we left.  I didn’t tell anyone, because it was very early. We flew out the next morning and 2 days later I miscarried. Tattoo #1 happened a few weeks later. #2 - Later in 2009 another miscarriage. Tattoo #2 happened. #3 - Fast forward to 2016 I had be
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Leadership

Leadership Make yourself more visible. Get involved. What does leadership look like? Leaders should be visible and cool calm and collected. Leaders should be strong, not intimidating. Leaders should not be better than anyone else. We are all equal. Leaders should be able to work alongside direct care staff and not bat an eye. Leaders should be able to sit down and have a conversation with any staff member and have a conversation about them. Not work. Them. They need to feel supported and not intimidated.  Leaders should not suck the air out of the staff when they walk into a room. Leaders should be approachable. Leaders should have no different effect on the staff than the manager or supervisor walking into the room. Leaders should be present. Leaders should not be scary. Leaders should be caring and compassionate. Leaders should also be knowledgeable and willing to learn. Willing to take risks. Rip off the bandaid. Try new things. Ask how others can help. Use the knowledge w
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Crash and Burn

That moment when you think you are doing right but everything else comes crashing down around you. When you make decisions to keep someone alive and they don't care or don't want to live. How do you continue to care and stand by someone's side when they yell at you and be nasty to you in a public place. Fight back I will. I will not be put down. I will not be treated like you treat me. I do not want to be blamed for your daughter not coming to see you. I can't force her. Not my fault you didn't take care of yourself. You chose to let yourself go. You chose to drink. And hide it. You chose to not be an active participant and used your diagnosis to lead your life. So I will sit here and eat for the first time today and it doesn't even taste good or sit well with my stomach. I will not answer phone calls or texts so I can decompress and not flip out. I will leave you down there to think about and calm down from all the nasty things you said. 7-20-18
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Does Anger Have a Purpose?

Does Anger Have a Purpose? Maybe having so much anger built up inside is a protective mechanism to make sure no more hurt happens. That the people, places, and things that can be the most hurtful or suck the air out of you because that is a go to reaction. Don't breathe. Don't react. Maybe I won't have to react. Change the subject and act tough. No more hurt. I think my whole life no one wanted to make my story great. I never had any “you will never believe this, I can't make this shit up” moments.  Or I blocked them out because they were too painful. Now as an adult the book could be written about those moments. While I don't think they are intentional, I am struggling with reality. Where do those moments fit when you are not motivated to talk about them? Or motivated to do anything. Functioning yes. The outside shows no signs of the inside struggles. The anger and a lot of sadness now comes from fitting in.  Why must we all feel that we should fit in whe
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God's Compassion

Eve fucked Adam, because God said so. Eve ate the forbidden apple. Eve is a badass. Eve is rough cut and a no bullshit kinda girl. I like her. I am Eve.
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Therapy

You have driven me to a point in life where I have had to reach out to a neutral party to remind myself of why I exist and why I matter. I can speak why I matter to anyone. Feeling it is different. I feel out of control. I feel worthless. Therapy said to be self-kind and remember what I am feeling and why. Well today I am pissed off and fucking mad. Why? Because you call at 4 am and disrupt the one thing I depend on to talk some shit about you need money to feed the girls and you are mad because I won’t let you have your wallet. You haven’t fed those girls in months. You don’t even know what we have to eat in this house. The only thing your wallet is good for is for holding all of the regrets that you have. The only thing your wallet is good for is the money I need to function. Therapy says that the human experience of suffering means that we all feel pain and it isn’t just me that is feeling the pain. I know others feel pain. I have empathy. I have compassion. Right now I just don’t
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Fucking Compassion

How can one be so fucking selfish about themselves?  Yes we should all take time for self-care, but what about compassion.  When someone is bending over backwards to meet your needs and all you can do is fucking complain about how they are doing things, how are you this mean? When my give a damn is completely busted because every time I do something for you, you yell and complain, why do I want to come see you and continue to give a shit? You are falling apart after 7 months of continual downfall and maybe it is time that you realized how much people are doing for you. One minute you are complimenting how things are being run and then next minute cutting me down. I have a house to run. Bills to pay. Kids to keep alive and happy. And you are worried about if I can find the charger for your fucking phone. You don’t realize that when you are gone that this house will continue to stand tall and these kids will continue to flourish and no eyes will be blinked, because you haven’t contribu
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