Therapy


You have driven me to a point in life where I have had to reach out to a neutral party to remind myself of why I exist and why I matter. I can speak why I matter to anyone. Feeling it is different. I feel out of control. I feel worthless. Therapy said to be self-kind and remember what I am feeling and why. Well today I am pissed off and fucking mad. Why? Because you call at 4 am and disrupt the one thing I depend on to talk some shit about you need money to feed the girls and you are mad because I won’t let you have your wallet. You haven’t fed those girls in months. You don’t even know what we have to eat in this house. The only thing your wallet is good for is for holding all of the regrets that you have. The only thing your wallet is good for is the money I need to function. Therapy says that the human experience of suffering means that we all feel pain and it isn’t just me that is feeling the pain. I know others feel pain. I have empathy. I have compassion. Right now I just don’t give a fuck. I can barely keep my head above water. I am pushing my own best friends away. I am having to delete the texts I really want to send before I send them, because I know that someday I will want and need those friends again. My life is a shit storm and no one is calming the storm. I want to run away. Suffering is being a bitch to the ones that love me and tell me they love me daily and not responding. Suffering is being a bitch and not caring whether you live or die and believing that my life will be better off without you.  Fuck you. You were supposed to be my life partner. Road dog. Partner in crime. Fuck you. Fuck you for all you have put me through. Therapy says to be mindful of our feelings and find balance to avoid fixating on feeling and not avoiding it. Balance is putting myself away from others. Avoiding. Not answering the phone or being distracted when the phone rings. Anger. Current feeling. I am angry at being put in this position and having to do what I am doing. Just because you are older, doesn’t mean I wanted to go through this. Not with you. When it was good it was great. Now what? How can there be balance when life is falling through the cracks? When organization was so easy and now I feel like life is spinning and won’t slow down. I hate roller coasters.

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