Chaos in an Unconventional World

Leadership Make yourself more visible. Get involved. What does leadership look like? Leaders should be visible and cool calm and collected. Leaders should be strong, not intimidating. Leaders should not be better than anyone else. We are all equal. Leaders should be able to work alongside direct care staff and not bat an eye. Leaders should be able to sit down and have a conversation with any staff member and have a conversation about them. Not work. Them. They need to feel supported and not intimidated.  Leaders should not suck the air out of the staff when they walk into a room. Leaders should be approachable. Leaders should have no different effect on the staff than the manager or supervisor walking into the room. Leaders should be present. Leaders should not be scary. Leaders should be caring and compassionate. Leaders should also be knowledgeable and willing to learn. Willing to take risks. Rip off the bandaid. Try new things. Ask how others can help. Use the knowledge w

That moment when you think you are doing right but everything else comes crashing down around you. When you make decisions to keep someone alive and they don't care or don't want to live. How do you continue to care and stand by someone's side when they yell at you and be nasty to you in a public place. Fight back I will. I will not be put down. I will not be treated like you treat me. I do not want to be blamed for your daughter not coming to see you. I can't force her. Not my fault you didn't take care of yourself. You chose to let yourself go. You chose to drink. And hide it. You chose to not be an active participant and used your diagnosis to lead your life. So I will sit here and eat for the first time today and it doesn't even taste good or sit well with my stomach. I will not answer phone calls or texts so I can decompress and not flip out. I will leave you down there to think about and calm down from all the nasty things you said. 7-20-18

Does Anger Have a Purpose? Maybe having so much anger built up inside is a protective mechanism to make sure no more hurt happens. That the people, places, and things that can be the most hurtful or suck the air out of you because that is a go to reaction. Don't breathe. Don't react. Maybe I won't have to react. Change the subject and act tough. No more hurt. I think my whole life no one wanted to make my story great. I never had any “you will never believe this, I can't make this shit up” moments.  Or I blocked them out because they were too painful. Now as an adult the book could be written about those moments. While I don't think they are intentional, I am struggling with reality. Where do those moments fit when you are not motivated to talk about them? Or motivated to do anything. Functioning yes. The outside shows no signs of the inside struggles. The anger and a lot of sadness now comes from fitting in.  Why must we all feel that we should fit in whe