Chaos in an Unconventional World

What does single parenting look like?  Every person can define it differently. Some have great co-parenting. Some have no co-parenting and make it look easy. Some struggle. Some are married and it is still single parenting. It is tough any way you define it. My struggle. Single parenting while married. I need to discuss this openly. I cannot hold this in anymore and it is too hard to keep talking about out loud. When your husband is sick and dying you need to find ways to cope. When you are strong and independent and struggling to give a shit about anything in life. When you can keep a roof up and food available, but struggle with giving a shit. It is hard to put on a smile. You almost feel bi-polar. You say "yes I am fine." But are you really? Emotionally disconnecting is easy to say, but you still feel guilty for making the decisions you are. You go to visit. He tell you to leave. He hasn't been anything but a burden for months. But he was physically there. Al...

From April 15, 2018. Having babies and a family comes easy for most. Maintaining the sanity and composure once you build that family unit is the difficult part. Letting others in to the once easy life. Makes you check your sanity, rips at your heart strings, and damages your soul. Why do they hate you so much? Why can't the home feel like home? Why when you leave are you comfortable not coming back? Why does it play with your emotions so much to just want to walk away from everything you have worked so hard for, but suddenly don't care about? Sometimes you get to the point where you say fuck it and walk away. I am there.

Time to do me. Fuck all else. Keep my birthed babies close and fuck it all. Do me. Be a doctor. Stay focused. Create. Dream big. Show off. Skills. Teach others. Fuck it all. All the haters can hate. I am still doing me. Single mom in a married household. Bring in that green so I can do me. Pay off my shit quick. So I can do me. Purge the bad. And unholy. Focus. Be a bitch. Be strong. But still a bitch. Keep that mental health in check. Do me. Fuck everything else. Take time for me. Keep those babies close. And the enemies can go fuck themselves.

You don't truly know what love is until it is almost ripped away from you.  Giving birth to a child gives you instant, unconditional love that you didn't know you had. The beginning of a marriage with another is a hot, spark feeling. It is fun. Not truly love you can't live without. Having that partner almost ripped away from you years later. Having that partner you were supposed to be with forever and now is a completely different, almost childlike person you need and will protect almost gone... That shows you what love is. That shows you that you would do absolutely anything for that person... Change places with them... Fight for them... Die for them... When they are physically there but really gone.  That is when God tests your ability to love and change the way you love.  It isn't the spark of new love. It is the hatred love of losing a partner, road dog, lover. We all take so much for granted. Remember to earn love. Not take it.

Life. Made up of so many things. What are things? Why do we need things? Are things possessions? Are things thoughts? Are things people? People. We all need people. Not a lot of people. Just enough people to help us remember our purpose. Our reason. Thoughts. We all have thoughts. Some good. Some bad. Some ugly. How do we justify thoughts? How do we justify our feelings that produce thoughts? How do we put together those thoughts with the people we have? Possessions. Why are we all focused on possessions? Why not focus on the people and their meaning? Possessions don't have meaning. People do. Some people don't have meaning. They are just space. But how do we justify space and meaning? Purpose. How do we recognize our purpose? How do we show our purpose to other People? How do we help those people put our purpose into perspective? Downsizing. How do we downsize our life, so that it may have purpose and the people in this life that we were given will justify our e...

Originally Written 10/9/2017 Why does it matter if our beds are made or our rooms are clean?  Why does it matter if our houses are picked up?  Why does it matter if we care what others think?  Why can't we love our kids the way we want without society giving us shit? I have watched a video this week of a woman that said yes to her kids all week ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmWfY4nb6oM ). It was a fulfilling week. They have to learn to crawl before they can run.  Who cares if they are on their computer past 7 pm. I need peace and peace is what I will get. I will do something with each kid individually every week. We will do something unexpected each week.  Why say NO?  To keep ourselves safe?  I have raised my kids to be strong humans.  They are good kids.  Humans.  Yes.  Humans make mistakes.  Perfect.  But why?  Be creative.  Use your imagination.  Fuck ever...

Originally Written 10-8-2017  We all need to feel safe. Work, home, society. Sandra Bloom (2015) discusses the different types of Safety. Moral, Social, Emotional, and Physical. At home most of us can control the safety.  Locking doors and windows. Owning a gun. Or a really heavy baseball bat. We can control who we let in our house. We can control the atmosphere and rid it of negativity. I mean wearing pants is usually optional! And at home our morals are usually steadfast. At work the types of safety are questionable. Physically it is easy No one can throw a punch (well they could but not a good a good idea). No one will want to risk their paycheck for sexual harassment or violence. Emotionally it an be tough. As a manager/supervisor every day can be a challenge when dealing with others.  Especially others that you supervise and basically tell them what to do.  You not only have to keep your own emotions; sometimes good, bad, violent, I want to throat p...